so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my shit smells like andre
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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