If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
