If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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