Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
