She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
