What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
