I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize