Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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