Umm I'm too high to move.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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