chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
