Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
