I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
