I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
