Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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