Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
