Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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