I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
