Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
