I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
