I will die if light touches me.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
