oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize