i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
