Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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