i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
