1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
