Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
