I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
