I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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