if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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