Tell her she can't have a vagina
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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