Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
