mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i drank out of a bidet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
