You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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