atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
