I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Shame is for Republicans.
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