I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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