At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
