I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
