so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
