My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
