she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
