I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
