Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
