I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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