For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
