i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
