he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
