I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
