the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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