come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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