I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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