if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
