I skipped work to stalk him.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
