Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
