The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
