I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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