i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
