cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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