OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
