he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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