So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
