dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
