How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize