he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
