If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
