if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
