So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
