Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
