i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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