I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
