did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
this will be a night to untag.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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