I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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