You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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