Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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